nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
