Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
