He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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