I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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