i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
