the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
