I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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