So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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