I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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