Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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