ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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