do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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