Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Acid is not a monday night drug
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
