just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The feeling are messing with the penis
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
