i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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