So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
