I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
