the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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