stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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