totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
