How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
