I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
