He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
