hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
