She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
