they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
