I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
