get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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