yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
