I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
