Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
