my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
