I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
