You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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