I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
When are your genitals available?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
