My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
