walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
