I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just google imaged poop.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
