Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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