doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
