The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
