My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
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