yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
