I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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