I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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