Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
