I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
