I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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