I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wish you could order shots online.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Less talking, more tequila
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
