im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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